Forgive for Good app developed by Dr. Fred Luskin and Jeff Cohen, MFT.
My research has shown that learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. But if forgiveness is so good for us why do so few choose to forgive when they have been hurt? One reason is that no one has taught us how to forgive. The religious traditions usually tell us to forgive but do not offer the practical steps as to how. We live in a culture that prizes the expression of anger and resentment more than the peace of forgiveness. In addition, most people are confused about what forgiveness is and is not; because of this they don’t take the opportunity to heal from their own emotional pain and the physical consequences that result.
Here are common misconceptions about forgiveness:
- Forgiving an offense such as an adulterous affair does not mean you condone the affair. I am reminded often that we can only forgive that which we know to be wrong. Your partner’s affair was wrong but you do not have to suffer indefinitely because you were betrayed.
- Forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you. If you were the recipient of childhood abuse or are in a harsh relationship you can forgive the offender but also make the decision to end or limit contact. Forgiveness is primarily for creating your peace of mind. It is to create healing in your life and return you to a state where you can live capable again of love and trust.
- Forgiveness does not depend on whether or not the abuser or lying person apologizes, wants you back or changes his/her ways. If another person’s poor behavior was the determinant for your healing then the unkind and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely.
- You can forgive you ex spouse for their insulting speech and even for abandoning you and your children… but forgiveness in no way means you do not take the ex to court to make sure your children get their support payments to which they are entitled. Forgiveness and justice are not the same. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Forgiveness and condoning are not the same.
This app was adapted from my best-selling book, Forgive for Good. My hope is that the concepts and practices it describes will be as helpful for you as it has been for countless others.
—Dr. Fred Luskin